Mental Health · Positivity

DO YOU.

The holidays are a stressful time for everyone. Expectations, expectations, expectations. What are you doing with your degree? When will you finish? What did you get everyone? How long are you staying? What are we doing today, together? Are you happy now? Are you seeing all of your friends? You shouldn’t eat that! Are you happy now? When are you getting married? Kids? Savings? Shopping? What are you doing with your life?

Amplified expectations.

The majority of these expectations, I’m realizing, are self inflicted. Your aunt may ask, your mom may pry, your grandma may wonder, but it’s you that is in control. Step back, and examine how you accept these comments.

It is ultimately your life. If you are taking an extra year on your degree, great! You will finish. You don’t need to get married or have kids yet; only when you’re ready. If you need to go home early because you’re “familied out”, GO. If you don’t feel comfortable being who you are around your family, that’s okay.

At the end of the day, everyone just wants what is best for you. I promise you that stressing to meet everyone else’s expectation is not that. The best person who knows what’s beat for you is you… and your mom so listen to her (90% of the time). The holidays are filled with so many expectations, so it’s our duty to protect ourselves from them. Ultimately, you are in control. Whether it’s anxiety, life decisions, or what to eat, do what is best for you and don’t beat yourself up for it. Loved ones will have opinions, but at the end of the day, happiness and wellness are the only priorities that should dictate change in your life.

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** here is my best boi, unapologetically living his best chubby life. do you, boo boo. **

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Mental Health

Thank u, next

It’s really easy to get carried away and swept up in the interpretations that others have made about who you are. I for one am very, very guilty of this, to a fault. I will drag myself down to a bad place just trying to get someone to reconsider. I will never give up because I believe that I can’t stop trying, I must fix it. I have to.

I’m learning time and time again that some people are just not worth it after the 50th time. Know yourself. Know who you are. Know what you’ve done, and how hard you’ve tried because in the end, that’s all you can do.

2018 has been a year of loss in many ways, and it’s my decision of what I take from it. With anxiety and depression it can be really hard to see the silver linings, and you can find yourself just going around and around in a circle of “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve”, and it will literally bring you down, down, down so far, (week and a half ago). Put the effort into yourself, your loved ones, the ones who remain.

You are not the words of someone else. Wish em well, say yikes, and move on. Thank u, next, ✌🏻

 

Mental Health · Wellness

Transitions

Hi it’s me with some more bungled thoughts. Sorry for the really long break; it’s been a really busy few weeks!!

Update: I feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel from the moment I wake up in the morning, until the moment I close my eyes at night. The last few weeks, adjusting to full time school and work, have been really overwhelming. (I’m just covering extra shifts at work right now because we are short staffed).

I am definitely discovering boundaries and limits which is really foreign territory for me. I always went on as a yes man, always saying yes and getting it done, until I’d crash and burn. I’m realizing that it’s one of my greatest weaknesses.

I’m FINALLY learning that it’s okay to say NO. It’s okay to skip out on something, to take time for you, and to prioritize your own mental health. It’s a little harder when it’s work and school, but the idea still stands.

To say I’m stressed at the moment is an understatement, but I lack the ability to self-sooth it, so I’m just running around in circles, (hence the hamster wheel metaphor). I feel myself falling into what I call “a bad luck spiral”, where it’s just constant bad things happening to you because they’re happening to you and you focus on them, so more bad things happen.

My bad luck spiral this week includes: making silly mistakes at work, having my car battery die, and then continue to die, and not having time to get a new battery so many many jump starts, having to cancel appointments, my referral for seeing a psychologist was cancelled because they were given the wrong phone number so I wasn’t answering their calls, forgetting things at home and being late, the list goes on. I know that these things are happening due to a lack of time and too many commitments. It’s my natural habitat, what can I say.

I’m trying to juggle everything, and be perfect for everyone, and I’m turn, not putting my best work out there. I’m making mistakes at work, being late for events, and falling behind in school. My anxiety is through the roof.

The good news is that I’ve put in a request for less hours ASAP because I’m mega struggling. I’m also talking to loved ones about what I’m going through which is really helping. I’m getting another referral to talk to someone. I’m trying so hard to solidify my boundaries and limits for future reference.

We will persevere. We will conquer. We will accomplish. ♥️

xo,

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Mental Health · Positivity

I Appreciate You

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I said yes to a movie date all those years ago, but I know for sure that it was the right decision. I often feel like I don’t deserve you, or that you’re too good for me, but I’m trying daily to remember that the universe doesn’t make mistakes. My anxiety tells me you’re going to leave, that it’s all too good to be true, and that you’re getting tired of me. You remind me that my anxiety tells me a lot of things, but it doesn’t make it true. I remind myself that you were sent to me for a reason, and you are still around for a reason.

You are far from perfect to a normal standard, but you are perfect for me. You grind my gears, but you help me become a better person every day. You take my broken pieces, and help me glue them back together.

I appreciate your time, patience, words, humour, kindness, love, effort, and commitment. Whatever I did to deserve you is something I thank the universe for everyday. Regardless of what happens I will always have someone in my corner of the ring to call me on my shit but hold me until it’s over, and that I wish for ever person out there. Everyone deserves to find the love that you have for me.

xo,

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Mental Health · Wellness

#MakeupAndASmile

“But you don’t look…”

I’m gunna stop you right there, pal. Illness, mental health struggles, emotions, pain; they don’t always have a look. Sometimes the happiest looking people are the ones who need a hug the most.

It’s important to remember that everyone is fighting a battle in their own mind, in their own way, at their own pace. Just because someone is smiling, it does not mean they are happy. Just because someone is wearing makeup, it does not mean that they are feeling confident.

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This photo represents happy me. It’s a selfie I would probably post on social media. The key here is that it represents my happiness. Looks can be deceiving.

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The following photo is a compilation of some thoughts that race through my head on the average day. My depression and anxiety often get the best of me, but putting these thoughts out there is helping me improve.

So here’s my #makeupandasmile post. I was so thankful when @lifeoflittlethings reached out to me about this campaign because these are conversations that NEED to happen more often. People need to know that they aren’t alone. Let’s start the conversation. Let’s see your #makeupandasmile post. Let’s hear your story.

xo,

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Mental Health · Positivity · Wellness

Dear Body,

I’m sorry. I’m still learning to love you. Every day I’m trying, now. I’ve spent so many years hating you when I was thin and when I was larger. I don’t want to hate you anymore, because you’ve never done me wrong. When you carried me through the best moments of my life, I still hated you. You did nothing but be there for me. You digest my favourite foods, allow me to feel so many things, let me see my surroundings. I’ve spent so much time trying to hide you from the world.

That ends today. You are nothing to be ashamed of. You are not something that needs to be hidden from the world. I don’t hate you anymore, at least I’m trying not to. I’m grateful for you. I’m trying every day to be grateful for you. You are always there when I need you to take me where I need to go. You are always there to calm me of my anxiety. I’m trying to love you body, and I will continue to try my best to love you each and everyday. All of you.

🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Why is society’s standard to not be body positive? It’s like if you’re confident about your body you’re a narcissist or something. What is so wrong with showing ourselves some love?!

They tell you on the airplane to secure your mask before helping another. You take time off work if you’re sick. You go to work and/or school every day to better yourself.

So why is ~simply~ being positive about your body so hard? Why are we influenced and encouraged to be insecure, (not intentionally of course)?

It’s taken years of bullshit and vastly deteriorating mental health to get to this point. I’m still struggling everyday. The most important things is that we don’t give up. I’m hitting a point in life where there’s no way out but self love. The universe has slapped me in the face because I’ve neglected myself for so long, and I must grow.

We’re all on this together. Check yourself out. Drink water. Move your body. Fuel your body. Feed your soul. Buy yourself a cupcake. Eat the cupcake. Repeat.

xo,

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Mental Health · Positivity

“Sticks and stones”

I remember when I was younger, my mom would always tell me: “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me”.

She told me to repeat it in my head over and over again. But the words do hurt. They really, hecking hurt. They encourage my mind to run through the miles and miles of negative thoughts and self doubt I harbour in my head.

A lot of things hurt. Some days just being awake hurts. Mental health is so hard to understand sometimes because not enough people are talking about it. There still remains stigma.

I encourage you to speak up, and speak out. Even if you just share your feelings, or what you deal with, it’s something. There is nothing more comforting than finding that you aren’t alone in how you feel.

A lot of things hurt, but there is comfort out there. There are others out there that feel the way you do. There are people who care about you. There is more to life than how you feel.

Words hurt, but this too shall pass. 🌷

xo,

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Mental Health · Wellness

My Body Rollercoaster

I try and camouflage how big 
I am on social media so no 
one else knows the shameful
truth: I’ve gained weight.

This past month has been really, really shitty; I won’t put it lightly. I hold myself to these ridiculous standards like: Summer months are your good months, why are you depressed? You’re supposed to be happy. You’re supposed to be skinny. You’re supposed to be organized. It’s been over 2 years, why can’t you let it go?

Today I’m going to dive into my body cycle over the past 8 years, and the experiences that accompanied it.

A little back story here: 2 1/2 years ago I experienced what to me was a traumatic experience, which shocked me to my core. I am still recovering from it. I’ve realized that until recently, I have been neglecting myself because of these standards I’ve placed on myself.

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Because of this experience I developed panic disorder and very acute anxiety, which eventually lead to sleeping pills, antidepressants, and a whole lot of weight gain. Unfortunately, this all made it worse. I was feeling really good in November, and actually decided to come off of my medications, which was a HUGE victory for me.

I thought I was ready, but I see now that I wasn’t. “Just because you have high days, it doesn’t mean you are over your anxiety. It is always going to be there! You will just get better at dealing with it,” was something I was told back when I first started counselling. It was scary because I thought she was supposed to be able to fix me, and take it away!

Since then, I’ve come a long way, but I still have an even longer way to go.

Because of this weight gain, I’m experiencing the body that I’ve always convinced myself I already had. I’ve struggled with body image since back in grade 8 when I was severely tormented for my body, even though I wasn’t even big at all. Girls would throw toxic words st me like confetti, like “tank,” etc. I can assure you I was never a weaponized army vehicle, let alone big enough to be referred to as a tank. I was scared to go to school, and I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.

I developed an eating disorder in grade 9, in which I would bend over in my bathroom mirror every morning, and if I saw any rolls, I wouldn’t eat that day. I would only nibble enough so my mom wouldn’t get suspicious. I’d throw up the remainder. I was so thin, and so unhealthy. The worst part of all of this? I didn’t even know it. I had been convinced that I was fat and that I was a problem.

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Luckily, I overcame this. I couldn’t actually tell you why, whether it was my soul revamping my path, my love for food overcoming my excessive need to be thin, or some other miracle; I overcame it.

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Young minds are so influential, and so vulnerable. I actually didn’t comprehend a lot of this damage until recently when I started councilling. It bites me in the ass to this day. Even after I overcame my disorder, and I was SO SMALL, I was convinced I was huge.

Fast forward 8 years, and I now see myself as that same girl in highschool, except this time, I am a tank. Or at least that’s what I’ve convinced myself because I actually am “fat” now.

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This is a new body for me and I’m trying to navigate my way through life in it. I try and camouflage how big I am on social media so no one else knows the shameful truth: I’ve gained weight. I’ll use poses and clothes. I’m in denial because I don’t see myself as that big, but then I see photos, and I realize how big I am. I have a tendency to lash out. It’s not right, it’s no one else’s fault.

You need to surround yourself with people who don’t treat your insecurities as inconvenient because they are what make you human. They are no one else’s problem but your own, but you also need support.

I decided to start taking care of myself, because no one else is going to. It is my responsibility to be there for me. I can’t wait to share my new journey that you guys soon!! Until now, I’m still holding myself accountable to a spot where I can share.

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There’s my rollercoaster for the day. Some much needed back story for you guys to understand some of my past. This comparison was done to show myself something: what is similar in all of these pictures? I am unhappy!! I’ve been unhappy at any size. So it’s time for me to accept the skin I’m in and be happy REGARDLESS. I’m starting a happiness journey and I can’t wait to share!

Reminder: it’s OKAY to be skinny.
It’s OKAY to be fat. It’s OKAY 
to be ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE. 
But it’s IMPORTANT to make sure 
you’re happy, too.

This is My Body rollercoaster so far. It’s not perfect, but it’s what’s brought me to this moment in my life, so I’m grateful. I am so, so thankful for this community and everyone I’ve met so far. Thank you, thank you. ♥️

 

xo,

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Mental Health

Why do I even bother?

Same days I’m just FLOODED with ideas for articles I can write for this page! It’s overwhelming because I just want to share everything, and hope to help someone some day.

But then other days I wake up and doubt why I even try. Asking myself why I even started. I’ll never have anyone reading my content anyways. But why does THAT even matter?

At the end of the day, this page is for me, and not for anyone else. I would love for someone to read something and feel some kind of comfort, but is simply an outlet for my voice and experiences.

My depression and anxiety also have a spectrum, where some days it’s gunna be a high day, some days a low. Some days I’ll feel like I’m drowning in my mind, and self doubt seems to be my only ability.

Other days, it’s bright and sunny, even on the coldest day. My day is filled with motivation, and body confidence, and energy. And some days it’s an in between.

Get to know yourself! You are human, and not every day is going to be great for you. Some months are going to suck.

But just remember that it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.

xo,

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Cooking

Korean Beef Bulgogi, Veg Style

Some nights you just want to eat take out, but let’s face it: you’ll probably end up feeling crappy about yourself after , whether financially, physically, or mentally.

My boyfriend and I went to a Korean BBQ place about a year ago, and he had the best meal ever. It was called Beef Bulgogi, which is a traditional Korean dish. Only problem? I’m veg, so I couldn’t try it out! Thankfully, we tried some alternatives, and a year later, we’re still making it at least once per week!

It’s fast, cheap, filling, vegan, and tasty! It is also super easy to customize it because really any spices or veggies will work great. The veggie ground is a great alternative to beef ground, as it has the same texture and consistency. Also, it’s not raw, so it cooks SUPER FAST!

This is the ground that I buy:

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It’s approx. $10 for 4 packs, you can’t go wrong with that! You can use normal ground beef if you want, also!

This is a standard dish I would make on a Wednesday evening, after having school 9am-12pm, and work 12:30pm-6:30pm.

Korean Beef Bulgogi, Veg Style

Time: 30 minutes     ~     Servings: 2-3     ~    Great when reheated the next day for lunch!

Ingredients:
  • 1 1/2 cups rice
  • 2 1/4 water
  • 1 pack of yves soy beef alternative, (this is the ground that works for me)
  • 1/2 cup soya sauce
  • 1/4 cup of brown sugar
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 1 medium yellow onion, diced
  • 1 tsp of oil for saucepan
  • broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, radish, green onion etc., sliced, (optional)
  • butter for rice, (optional)
Instructions:
Step 1:

Cook your rice! I use a rice cooker which helps a LOT! You can get them for $20ish CAD at, I highly recommend this to save time!

Step 2:

Rinse and slice your veggies.

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Step 3:

Heat a medium saucepan to medium heat. Lightly oil the pan, and place your garlic and onion in the pan. Stir around for 2 minutes, and then add the pack of ground.

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Step 4:

When the onions start to go translucent, and there’s a nice fry on the ground, you can add in the rest of your veggies! (I like to leave my radishes and green onions out, and place them on top, raw, at the end, but this is personal choice). You can place a lid on the saucepan in order to soften the veggies faster.

Step 5:

When veggies are to your desired tenderness, turn the stove off, and then you can put the brown sugar and soya sauce into the pan. Mix this around so the soya sauce and brown sugar create a teriyaki glaze-type sauce.

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Processed with VSCO with l3 preset
Step 6:

Serve over rice. Butter rice. Place raw veggies on top. Your choice! This is just how I eat it.

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And that’s it! Super easy, hey? Other than the rice, this is like a 10 minute dish! The sauce is always super tasty too; we can’t get enough of this dish!

If you try it, let me know how you like it!

Happy cooking!

xo,

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