It’s really easy to get carried away and swept up in the interpretations that others have made about who you are. I for one am very, very guilty of this, to a fault. I will drag myself down to a bad place just trying to get someone to reconsider. I will never give up because I believe that I can’t stop trying, I must fix it. I have to.
I’m learning time and time again that some people are just not worth it after the 50th time. Know yourself. Know who you are. Know what you’ve done, and how hard you’ve tried because in the end, that’s all you can do.
2018 has been a year of loss in many ways, and it’s my decision of what I take from it. With anxiety and depression it can be really hard to see the silver linings, and you can find yourself just going around and around in a circle of “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve”, and it will literally bring you down, down, down so far, (week and a half ago). Put the effort into yourself, your loved ones, the ones who remain.
You are not the words of someone else. Wish em well, say yikes, and move on. Thank u, next, ✌🏻
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I said yes to a movie date all those years ago, but I know for sure that it was the right decision. I often feel like I don’t deserve you, or that you’re too good for me, but I’m trying daily to remember that the universe doesn’t make mistakes. My anxiety tells me you’re going to leave, that it’s all too good to be true, and that you’re getting tired of me. You remind me that my anxiety tells me a lot of things, but it doesn’t make it true. I remind myself that you were sent to me for a reason, and you are still around for a reason.
You are far from perfect to a normal standard, but you are perfect for me. You grind my gears, but you help me become a better person every day. You take my broken pieces, and help me glue them back together.
I appreciate your time, patience, words, humour, kindness, love, effort, and commitment. Whatever I did to deserve you is something I thank the universe for everyday. Regardless of what happens I will always have someone in my corner of the ring to call me on my shit but hold me until it’s over, and that I wish for ever person out there. Everyone deserves to find the love that you have for me.
I’m gunna stop you right there, pal. Illness, mental health struggles, emotions, pain; they don’t always have a look. Sometimes the happiest looking people are the ones who need a hug the most.
It’s important to remember that everyone is fighting a battle in their own mind, in their own way, at their own pace. Just because someone is smiling, it does not mean they are happy. Just because someone is wearing makeup, it does not mean that they are feeling confident.
This photo represents happy me. It’s a selfie I would probably post on social media. The key here is that it represents my happiness. Looks can be deceiving.
The following photo is a compilation of some thoughts that race through my head on the average day. My depression and anxiety often get the best of me, but putting these thoughts out there is helping me improve.
So here’s my #makeupandasmile post. I was so thankful when @lifeoflittlethings reached out to me about this campaign because these are conversations that NEED to happen more often. People need to know that they aren’t alone. Let’s start the conversation. Let’s see your #makeupandasmile post. Let’s hear your story.
I try and camouflage how big
I am on social media so no
one else knows the shameful
truth: I’ve gained weight.
This past month has been really, really shitty; I won’t put it lightly. I hold myself to these ridiculous standards like: Summer months are your good months, why are you depressed? You’re supposed to be happy. You’re supposed to be skinny. You’re supposed to be organized. It’s been over 2 years, why can’t you let it go?
Today I’m going to dive into my body cycle over the past 8 years, and the experiences that accompanied it.
A little back story here: 2 1/2 years ago I experienced what to me was a traumatic experience, which shocked me to my core. I am still recovering from it. I’ve realized that until recently, I have been neglecting myself because of these standards I’ve placed on myself.
Because of this experience I developed panic disorder and very acute anxiety, which eventually lead to sleeping pills, antidepressants, and a whole lot of weight gain. Unfortunately, this all made it worse. I was feeling really good in November, and actually decided to come off of my medications, which was a HUGE victory for me.
I thought I was ready, but I see now that I wasn’t. “Just because you have high days, it doesn’t mean you are over your anxiety. It is always going to be there! You will just get better at dealing with it,” was something I was told back when I first started counselling. It was scary because I thought she was supposed to be able to fix me, and take it away!
Since then, I’ve come a long way, but I still have an even longer way to go.
Because of this weight gain, I’m experiencing the body that I’ve always convinced myself I already had. I’ve struggled with body image since back in grade 8 when I was severely tormented for my body, even though I wasn’t even big at all. Girls would throw toxic words st me like confetti, like “tank,” etc. I can assure you I was never a weaponized army vehicle, let alone big enough to be referred to as a tank. I was scared to go to school, and I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.
I developed an eating disorder in grade 9, in which I would bend over in my bathroom mirror every morning, and if I saw any rolls, I wouldn’t eat that day. I would only nibble enough so my mom wouldn’t get suspicious. I’d throw up the remainder. I was so thin, and so unhealthy. The worst part of all of this? I didn’t even know it. I had been convinced that I was fat and that I was a problem.
Luckily, I overcame this. I couldn’t actually tell you why, whether it was my soul revamping my path, my love for food overcoming my excessive need to be thin, or some other miracle; I overcame it.
Young minds are so influential, and so vulnerable. I actually didn’t comprehend a lot of this damage until recently when I started councilling. It bites me in the ass to this day. Even after I overcame my disorder, and I was SO SMALL, I was convinced I was huge.
Fast forward 8 years, and I now see myself as that same girl in highschool, except this time, I am a tank. Or at least that’s what I’ve convinced myself because I actually am “fat” now.
This is a new body for me and I’m trying to navigate my way through life in it. I try and camouflage how big I am on social media so no one else knows the shameful truth: I’ve gained weight. I’ll use poses and clothes. I’m in denial because I don’t see myself as that big, but then I see photos, and I realize how big I am. I have a tendency to lash out. It’s not right, it’s no one else’s fault.
You need to surround yourself with people who don’t treat your insecurities as inconvenient because they are what make you human. They are no one else’s problem but your own, but you also need support.
I decided to start taking care of myself, because no one else is going to. It is my responsibility to be there for me. I can’t wait to share my new journey that you guys soon!! Until now, I’m still holding myself accountable to a spot where I can share.
There’s my rollercoaster for the day. Some much needed back story for you guys to understand some of my past. This comparison was done to show myself something: what is similar in all of these pictures? I am unhappy!! I’ve been unhappy at any size. So it’s time for me to accept the skin I’m in and be happy REGARDLESS. I’m starting a happiness journey and I can’t wait to share!
Reminder: it’s OKAY to be skinny.
It’s OKAY to be fat. It’s OKAY
to be ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE.
But it’s IMPORTANT to make sure
you’re happy, too.
This is My Body rollercoaster so far. It’s not perfect, but it’s what’s brought me to this moment in my life, so I’m grateful. I am so, so thankful for this community and everyone I’ve met so far. Thank you, thank you. ♥️