Mental Health

the thought of going away isn’t exciting and relaxing

Counting down the days to my vacation should be exciting. Planning what to wear, where to go, what to bring.

I’m excited but I’m anxious. Anxious in the dread way, not the ~nervous~ way. Why do those two always accompany one another?

Thoughts of excitement fill my mind… shortly after come the “what if….”‘s and the “but then…”‘s..

“It’s normal to have travel anxiety!”

Is it normal to have travel anxiety about your friends? Strangers on social media? … What if their plane crashes? How are they able to be there when there have been so many terrible things happening there? … Does the thought of people being in the air right now scare you and make your knees wobble? Let alone for yourself?

I used to love going away. Heck, I went to London and Paris and those were some of the best days of my life. Now the thought of going on an airplane alone can set me into a panic attack. What’s wrong with me?

If you’re like me, you wanted to know the why. I found that it may come from a need to be in control. It’s hard to feel in control when you’re kilometers from the ground.

“It’s common to not sleep your first night in a new place”

What about the second night? And the fifth?

I already have a really hard time sleeping at home, and that’s with a routine I’ve developed simply to help with my night time anxiety. I won’t have my pillow there with familiar smells. Or my fan which helps distract my brain from the noises in the house. Will there be wifi so I can play my phone games until my eyes are going sideways because I know that THEN, I’ll be to tired to think bad thoughts.

I’ll lay there sleepless for hours and be tired and not enjoy tomorrow with my friends… why can’t I just sleep like a normal person? Sleep is like the most natural thing!!

“You deserve a break”

A BREAK?? What is that?? There is no such thing as a break from my anxiety. It follows me everywhere.

I can’t relax right now! I could be working right now and making money. My branch is so short right now; they need me. My plants need to be watered. There is ~something~ I need to be cleaning. There is ~something~ I need to be doing.



Mental Health

my anxiety makes me compulsive and obsessive

Have you ever found yourself laying sleepless at 1 am, having to wake up in 5 hours, body exhausted, head throbbing, but not being able to sleep? Everyone feels this way sometimes.

Has it ever been because you didn’t make sure your lamp was plugged in 4 times?

Or because while you were making your bed, you tapped your foot on the left bed frame leg, but not the right?

Or because there is a pine cone outside out of place that you noticed when you were coming home from work, and just knew it just wasn’t supposed to be there?

I’m not talking, “oh yeah, I should have done that; I’ll do it tomorrow,” type shrug off. I mean like, sweating, panicking, heart racing, thoughts about death, and pure frustration.

Getting out of bed sometimes 12 times in a night to fully make sure my bladder is empty because heaven forbid it wakes me up to go pee in the middle of the night.

Well this is my reality. Some days are worse than others, especially if I work early the next day.

I prepare myself for bed hours in advance because I know it’s going to be a carnival of acts that my brain tells me I need to do before I can relax enough or have “earned” the right to go to sleep.

I sit there insulting myself because I don’t understand where this came from or why it started. I calculate the hours of sleep I’m losing just to lose more. I take a melatonin pill and cross my fingers it will put me to sleep..

It’s exhausting. I’m worried I’m keeping my boyfriend up all night.

I finally built up the courage to google what I was experiencing to see if there were others in my position. I was unable to find people experiencing the same routines as me. I did, however, learn that this is a common coping method for people with anxiety.

They are what’s called “rituals”. As anxious people, we try and create something that we can be in control of. I make sure that my lamp is plugged in so that I can feel like I am in control of my lamp turning on. It sounds silly, but it made so much sense to me. I found so much comfort in that article online.

This isn’t every night, but it is the reality I live in. My hope is that one day someone sees this post and can find comfort knowing they aren’t alone.

We all face battles. You’ve gotten through 100% of your bad nights so far, so let’s do it again.



Mental Health

comparing myself to myself

I love scrolling through social media, and seeing what my friends are up to! Sure I may be a tad jelly of your trip to Australia, but at the end of the day it doesn’t deteriorate my self esteem nearly as much as scrolling through my own feed.

I’ve always thought I was fat but it wasn’t until I actually became fat that I realized I wasn’t. It will probably always be this way, and that’s alright.

I’m realizing that I am still who I was 4 years ago. I may not be doing a thousand and ten things, I may not be traveling, or have the same BMI, but I am still Jess.

4 years ago may look great on Instagram, but I was in no better place than I am now. Every year, every day has it’s ups and its downs. We only post about the ups.

Filters on the gram filter our reality.

So STOP comparing yourself to others on social media, but most importantly, stop comparing yourself to yourself.



Mental Health

let’s begin

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I’m even bothering starting this page. I do know this is my depression talking.

Admitting I have depression?

Not easy.

Going against every doubt my mind tells me and doing it anyway?

Not easy.

But here we are. Let’s begin.

It’s a long story and I’ll save that for another post. I want you to know 3 things about me:

1. I am not a writer, but here I am.

2. I have depression and anxiety, but here I am.

3. I have terrible commitment issues. I don’t stick to anything, but here I am.

Now that I’ve gotten out the 3 things that have stopped me from doing this for so long, let’s focus on what matters.

If I had to chose one thing for someone to get from this page, it would be to focus on what is important. I can assure you it’s not your flaws and doubts.