Wednesday I was open. I was honest. I circled yes on the big question. I didn’t hide.
Wednesday was the darkest day of my life.
I watched the receptionists face as she turned the page over and she saw my answer. I watched her as she got up and walked to the back. I was frozen. And nervous. I thought they must be thinking that I’m just asking for attention.
She called my name and I grabbed my things. I went into the room, and I just starting crying, uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. For a good 2 solid minutes I just cried, and she just witnessed.
She asked me what my plan was. She asked me how I felt. She made it normal, and safe.
I don’t think either of us realized the level I was at until we were both in that room.
She gave me a room to nap in until the doctor was ready. I had to see a doctor? I thought this was a 20 minute meeting? She told me if I left, she’d have to get someone to find me. Woah. Am I crazy?
I couldn’t nap because I felt so guilty. I haven’t been truthful to my mom. She thinks everything is fine, but nothing is fine. She would freak out if I was honest with her though. She’s so dramatic.
I texted my mom the truth. She reacted just fine. She was reassuring and kind.
The doctor was so kind. I can’t even put it into words. She just got it. There was no “sleep more, eat better, exercise”. She broke everything I was feeling down into words. She sat with me for an hour and just talked with me. She asked me how I was feeling, she told me stories. She told me that she wants to be my doctor from now on, as long as I’m at university.
The doctor was an angel. We made a plan for the next 2 weeks. I’m going to write my exams but if I am unable to, they will void my semester with no academic penalty. You can do that???
I’m going back on this stuff. It’s time.
I have appointments lined up, and I have my word that I’d be there. My word. I can’t break my word.
Why am I saying all of this? Why am I so open? I honestly couldn’t tell you, but I guess I just want the world to know. There is pain behind every smile. There is someone out there right now that you know, that’s hurting. You don’t know.
Check up on your friends.