Mental Health

Thank u, next

It’s really easy to get carried away and swept up in the interpretations that others have made about who you are. I for one am very, very guilty of this, to a fault. I will drag myself down to a bad place just trying to get someone to reconsider. I will never give up because I believe that I can’t stop trying, I must fix it. I have to.

I’m learning time and time again that some people are just not worth it after the 50th time. Know yourself. Know who you are. Know what you’ve done, and how hard you’ve tried because in the end, that’s all you can do.

2018 has been a year of loss in many ways, and it’s my decision of what I take from it. With anxiety and depression it can be really hard to see the silver linings, and you can find yourself just going around and around in a circle of “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve”, and it will literally bring you down, down, down so far, (week and a half ago). Put the effort into yourself, your loved ones, the ones who remain.

You are not the words of someone else. Wish em well, say yikes, and move on. Thank u, next, ✌🏻

 

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Mental Health

Runaway

This weekend I decided to just run away from everything and go home, and it was probably the best decision I’ve ever made.

I just packed my things, got on a ferry, and completely forgot about my life in Van for a few days. I ignored my phone, and just played games and spent time with family.

I’m so so so thankful for my mom, she is amazing. I came home to flowers and snacks and so much love. I’m so grateful to have her in my life.

It was nice to refresh and recharge before taking on the chaos of the next 2 weeks.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed this morning because now I’m back and need to face the realities that I have 3 exams coming up, and so little time to study. I’m going to make a list and do my best.

This one step at a time thing is like a foreign language to me, so here goes.

Let’s be kind to ourselves in this time of chaos. ♥️

Much love,

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Mental Health

Michael

How do you thank someone for changing your life?

Where can I find the words at such an intense level of gratitude and love that will allow someone to understand exactly how I feel?

I’ve watched myself slip further and further away, and with every ounce of force I’m convinced to resist him with, his grip only grows tighter on me.

I will never understand what I did to deserve the love, forgiveness, kindness, and patience you’ve shown me.

I know it’s been hard lately, and I can’t imagine how you must feel. Please just know that none of this is because of you.

To the most accommodating, compassionate, intelligent, charming man I’ve ever had the privilege to know, let alone call my own, thank you for the most loving 4 years of my life.

You deserve everything this universe has to offer, and more. Happy Anniversary, Michael.

So, so, so, so much love,

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Mental Health

Wednesday

Wednesday I was open. I was honest. I circled yes on the big question. I didn’t hide.

Wednesday was the darkest day of my life.

I watched the receptionists face as she turned the page over and she saw my answer. I watched her as she got up and walked to the back. I was frozen. And nervous. I thought they must be thinking that I’m just asking for attention.

She called my name and I grabbed my things. I went into the room, and I just starting crying, uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. For a good 2 solid minutes I just cried, and she just witnessed.

She asked me what my plan was. She asked me how I felt. She made it normal, and safe.

I don’t think either of us realized the level I was at until we were both in that room.

She gave me a room to nap in until the doctor was ready. I had to see a doctor? I thought this was a 20 minute meeting? She told me if I left, she’d have to get someone to find me. Woah. Am I crazy?

I couldn’t nap because I felt so guilty. I haven’t been truthful to my mom. She thinks everything is fine, but nothing is fine. She would freak out if I was honest with her though. She’s so dramatic.

I texted my mom the truth. She reacted just fine. She was reassuring and kind.

The doctor was so kind. I can’t even put it into words. She just got it. There was no “sleep more, eat better, exercise”. She broke everything I was feeling down into words. She sat with me for an hour and just talked with me. She asked me how I was feeling, she told me stories. She told me that she wants to be my doctor from now on, as long as I’m at university.

The doctor was an angel. We made a plan for the next 2 weeks. I’m going to write my exams but if I am unable to, they will void my semester with no academic penalty. You can do that???

I’m going back on this stuff. It’s time.

I have appointments lined up, and I have my word that I’d be there. My word. I can’t break my word.

Why am I saying all of this? Why am I so open? I honestly couldn’t tell you, but I guess I just want the world to know. There is pain behind every smile. There is someone out there right now that you know, that’s hurting. You don’t know.

Check up on your friends.

Really check.

Much love,

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Mental Health

Dear Depression,

Dear Depression,

I hate using you in a sentence. I literally hate using the word “depression”, but I don’t know else how to explain the feelings and thoughts you send my way. I hate complaining about how I feel, and how sad I am. How unhappy I am.

I LITERALLY ANNOY MYSELF CONSTANTLY. WHY AM I SO SAD. JUST BE HAPPY. IT USED TO BE SO EASY. IT WASN’T EVEN SOMETHING I HAD TO THINK ABOUT. NOW IT’S LITERALLY THE HARDEST THING EVER. I’M JUST SO SAD. SO FUCKING SAD. EVERYDAY. EVERY SECOND. And when I’m not?? NUMB. I can’t feel a GOD DAMN THING.

Some moments you don’t even let me know whether or not I love my boyfriend. I don’t even know if I’m really sad. The tears just pour out while I stare at the wall.

Some moments you hit me with emotions, and they just come flooding in so hecking strong out of absolutely no where, and I can’t do anything but cry.

You tell me, stronger now than ever, that I am a problem. To everyone. You’re convincing me that the world is better without me. That there is comfort in unexistence. That people would be happier if I wasn’t around.

Some moments you get the best of me, and I believe you. I allow myself to fall deep into your dark realities.

You convince me that telling others about what I’m feeling is just asking for attention, or that people will judge me. You tell me that no one wants to hear it and that I have to hide it. That I should just disappear secretly and stop causing problems.

I can’t accept it though. I will not let you take me. I will not stop fighting. I will tell on you. I will tell everyone. I love life. I love love. I love me. And I am going to conquer you. Even though it’s getting harder and harder, I will not fail.

Sincerely,
The girl who won’t give up.

PS Come on man, you’re cramping my independent, badass style I’m trying to radiate. Piss off, will ya?

Xo,A3D7EE3D-F666-4772-AE13-C37CADDE24A6

 

Mental Health

The Waiting Game

I’m so sorry that it’s been so long. It’s been a long few months.

Today I’m going to rant. I saw this post on Facebook this morning:

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So.

Being waitlisted because you’re not hearing voices. Or because your reoccurring thoughts of suicide haven’t quite turned into downright plans. I was waitlisted for 6 months, (no seriously, from May-November), because the doctor deemed me “not bad enough”. Because I didn’t have actual plans to take my own life, or because my lack of schizophrenia was too normal.

Waiting and waiting and feeling stupid for even asking. You see those commercials that say “don’t wait, ask for help”. Well what about when you do and you’re dismissed? Being told and treated as “it could be worse”? That makes it worse.

Over the course of the 6 months that I had been waiting, I have watched myself fall further and further from happiness. While my thoughts of suicide may not be plans, they are getting awfully close. My panic and anxiety are 24/7, I can barely get through classes without having to mentally check out and calm down. My OCD is so heightened, that half of my nights now just walking around my house, sleepless, and unintentionally formulating new rituals to try and satisfy my lack of control.

Now I validate 1000% that there are people that desperately need support more than others. I am so happy that they are getting help, and the message I’m trying to relay is not that I am in any way more important than another. I am so thankful to live in a country where mental health is a priority and there are resources, a large percentage of them even being free.

I am simply trying to illustrate that if my mental health had been taken seriously when I originally built up the courage to ask for help, I more than likely, would not have slipped as far as I have. You leave the doctor’s office feeling like an idiot for even trying because you feel unwell, but you are dismissed. There seems to be nothing physically wrong with you, so you’re fine, right?

The demand is still far surpassing the supply of Mental health resources. The majority of doctors seem to lack strategies for treating patients with mental illness. This is simply just my opinion.

Rant over.

I hope you are all doing well! ♥️♥️♥️

Lots of love,

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Mental Health · Wellness

I Hate Being Sick

I really hate being sick. The last few days have sucked! I’ve been sick and felt super useless, which is super hard for me to accept. I stand up to get something done, and then I feel dizzy. Being sick is the worst, especially when you have so much to do! I hate asking for help.

I’ve had to cancel appointments. I even had to call into work yesterday which is something I never do, EVER. It was defeating at first, because I felt like I was letting everyone down. I feel like I’m annoying my boyfriend from being so useless.

What use is thinking that way going to do? Okay, I’m trying really hard to flip this mindset into something more positive. For example, being sick does suck, but it’s the universe telling you to slow down. Take a breather, and take some time for you. It’s okay to ask for help, others feel good when they can do something for someone else.

But, I don’t have time to sit around and do nothing. I have so much to do!

Make time.

Your well being is most important, and clearly at this level of responsibility, you cannot prioritize yourself so you need to work on that. You can’t help others until you help yourself first. You need to fuel your gas tank before you can get to where you need to go.

So yesterday I took it easy, relaxed, and just sent some emails. I did do meal prep, but I took it slow and paced myself with Sims 4 breaks in between. Sometimes you just need to let your body drive, rather than your mind. Your body will get you through, you just need to give it time and fuel.

So today, I’m feeling a little bit better, and all I want to do is kick it into overdrive again and get everything done, but instead I’m pacing myself, studying for 1 hour, and then taking a break, repeat. Taking medicine, drinking water. Relaxing.

It probably sounds really silly to some of you, but these things are such huge accomplishments for me. Learning how to me there for myself is something I’m really proud of. Everyone deserves to be cared for, even you, by you.

Take care of yourself today because you owe it to yourself. ♥️

xo,

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Mental Health · Wellness

Transitions

Hi it’s me with some more bungled thoughts. Sorry for the really long break; it’s been a really busy few weeks!!

Update: I feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel from the moment I wake up in the morning, until the moment I close my eyes at night. The last few weeks, adjusting to full time school and work, have been really overwhelming. (I’m just covering extra shifts at work right now because we are short staffed).

I am definitely discovering boundaries and limits which is really foreign territory for me. I always went on as a yes man, always saying yes and getting it done, until I’d crash and burn. I’m realizing that it’s one of my greatest weaknesses.

I’m FINALLY learning that it’s okay to say NO. It’s okay to skip out on something, to take time for you, and to prioritize your own mental health. It’s a little harder when it’s work and school, but the idea still stands.

To say I’m stressed at the moment is an understatement, but I lack the ability to self-sooth it, so I’m just running around in circles, (hence the hamster wheel metaphor). I feel myself falling into what I call “a bad luck spiral”, where it’s just constant bad things happening to you because they’re happening to you and you focus on them, so more bad things happen.

My bad luck spiral this week includes: making silly mistakes at work, having my car battery die, and then continue to die, and not having time to get a new battery so many many jump starts, having to cancel appointments, my referral for seeing a psychologist was cancelled because they were given the wrong phone number so I wasn’t answering their calls, forgetting things at home and being late, the list goes on. I know that these things are happening due to a lack of time and too many commitments. It’s my natural habitat, what can I say.

I’m trying to juggle everything, and be perfect for everyone, and I’m turn, not putting my best work out there. I’m making mistakes at work, being late for events, and falling behind in school. My anxiety is through the roof.

The good news is that I’ve put in a request for less hours ASAP because I’m mega struggling. I’m also talking to loved ones about what I’m going through which is really helping. I’m getting another referral to talk to someone. I’m trying so hard to solidify my boundaries and limits for future reference.

We will persevere. We will conquer. We will accomplish. ♥️

xo,

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Mental Health · Positivity

I Appreciate You

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I said yes to a movie date all those years ago, but I know for sure that it was the right decision. I often feel like I don’t deserve you, or that you’re too good for me, but I’m trying daily to remember that the universe doesn’t make mistakes. My anxiety tells me you’re going to leave, that it’s all too good to be true, and that you’re getting tired of me. You remind me that my anxiety tells me a lot of things, but it doesn’t make it true. I remind myself that you were sent to me for a reason, and you are still around for a reason.

You are far from perfect to a normal standard, but you are perfect for me. You grind my gears, but you help me become a better person every day. You take my broken pieces, and help me glue them back together.

I appreciate your time, patience, words, humour, kindness, love, effort, and commitment. Whatever I did to deserve you is something I thank the universe for everyday. Regardless of what happens I will always have someone in my corner of the ring to call me on my shit but hold me until it’s over, and that I wish for ever person out there. Everyone deserves to find the love that you have for me.

xo,

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Mental Health · Wellness

#MakeupAndASmile

“But you don’t look…”

I’m gunna stop you right there, pal. Illness, mental health struggles, emotions, pain; they don’t always have a look. Sometimes the happiest looking people are the ones who need a hug the most.

It’s important to remember that everyone is fighting a battle in their own mind, in their own way, at their own pace. Just because someone is smiling, it does not mean they are happy. Just because someone is wearing makeup, it does not mean that they are feeling confident.

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Processed with VSCO with aga3 preset

This photo represents happy me. It’s a selfie I would probably post on social media. The key here is that it represents my happiness. Looks can be deceiving.

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The following photo is a compilation of some thoughts that race through my head on the average day. My depression and anxiety often get the best of me, but putting these thoughts out there is helping me improve.

So here’s my #makeupandasmile post. I was so thankful when @lifeoflittlethings reached out to me about this campaign because these are conversations that NEED to happen more often. People need to know that they aren’t alone. Let’s start the conversation. Let’s see your #makeupandasmile post. Let’s hear your story.

xo,

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