Mental Health

the thought of going away isn’t exciting and relaxing

Counting down the days to my vacation should be exciting. Planning what to wear, where to go, what to bring.

I’m excited but I’m anxious. Anxious in the dread way, not the ~nervous~ way. Why do those two always accompany one another?

Thoughts of excitement fill my mind… shortly after come the “what if….”‘s and the “but then…”‘s..

“It’s normal to have travel anxiety!”

Is it normal to have travel anxiety about your friends? Strangers on social media? … What if their plane crashes? How are they able to be there when there have been so many terrible things happening there? … Does the thought of people being in the air right now scare you and make your knees wobble? Let alone for yourself?

I used to love going away. Heck, I went to London and Paris and those were some of the best days of my life. Now the thought of going on an airplane alone can set me into a panic attack. What’s wrong with me?

If you’re like me, you wanted to know the why. I found that it may come from a need to be in control. It’s hard to feel in control when you’re kilometers from the ground.

“It’s common to not sleep your first night in a new place”

What about the second night? And the fifth?

I already have a really hard time sleeping at home, and that’s with a routine I’ve developed simply to help with my night time anxiety. I won’t have my pillow there with familiar smells. Or my fan which helps distract my brain from the noises in the house. Will there be wifi so I can play my phone games until my eyes are going sideways because I know that THEN, I’ll be to tired to think bad thoughts.

I’ll lay there sleepless for hours and be tired and not enjoy tomorrow with my friends… why can’t I just sleep like a normal person? Sleep is like the most natural thing!!

“You deserve a break”

A BREAK?? What is that?? There is no such thing as a break from my anxiety. It follows me everywhere.

I can’t relax right now! I could be working right now and making money. My branch is so short right now; they need me. My plants need to be watered. There is ~something~ I need to be cleaning. There is ~something~ I need to be doing.

xo,

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