Have you ever found yourself laying sleepless at 1 am, having to wake up in 5 hours, body exhausted, head throbbing, but not being able to sleep? Everyone feels this way sometimes.
Has it ever been because you didn’t make sure your lamp was plugged in 4 times?
Or because while you were making your bed, you tapped your foot on the left bed frame leg, but not the right?
Or because there is a pine cone outside out of place that you noticed when you were coming home from work, and just knew it just wasn’t supposed to be there?
I’m not talking, “oh yeah, I should have done that; I’ll do it tomorrow,” type shrug off. I mean like, sweating, panicking, heart racing, thoughts about death, and pure frustration.
Getting out of bed sometimes 12 times in a night to fully make sure my bladder is empty because heaven forbid it wakes me up to go pee in the middle of the night.
Well this is my reality. Some days are worse than others, especially if I work early the next day.
I prepare myself for bed hours in advance because I know it’s going to be a carnival of acts that my brain tells me I need to do before I can relax enough or have “earned” the right to go to sleep.
I sit there insulting myself because I don’t understand where this came from or why it started. I calculate the hours of sleep I’m losing just to lose more. I take a melatonin pill and cross my fingers it will put me to sleep..
It’s exhausting. I’m worried I’m keeping my boyfriend up all night.
I finally built up the courage to google what I was experiencing to see if there were others in my position. I was unable to find people experiencing the same routines as me. I did, however, learn that this is a common coping method for people with anxiety.
They are what’s called “rituals”. As anxious people, we try and create something that we can be in control of. I make sure that my lamp is plugged in so that I can feel like I am in control of my lamp turning on. It sounds silly, but it made so much sense to me. I found so much comfort in that article online.
This isn’t every night, but it is the reality I live in. My hope is that one day someone sees this post and can find comfort knowing they aren’t alone.
We all face battles. You’ve gotten through 100% of your bad nights so far, so let’s do it again.