Mental Health · Positivity

Keep getting up

As Winston Churchill once said,

"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm."

One step forward, 2 steps back.

5 steps back.

Constant set backs.

Keep getting up.

I genuinely can’t stand saying this right now because I just want to be stubborn and feel the low I’m feeling. The one I’ve been feeling for months. The one I’m working through day in and day out with little progress shown.

There’s gotta be something better than this.

Let it go.

Let them go.

Believe in better days yet to come.

Believe in better people yet to come.

Keep getting up.

Love,

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Mental Health · Positivity

The Universe is Ruthless

Call me silly, but I am a firm believer in the power of the universe, (or whatever you call it).

When you’re on the right path, everything will fit together so easily. No effort needed; you won’t have to force anything.

Contrary to this, when you’re on the wrong path, you will often find yourself asking, “are you kidding me?” Nothing works out the way you planned; you may feel ripped off. Stressed. Pressured. It’s like walking through tar while falling down a canyon of ledges which you continue to bounce off.

The universe is ruthless, and will make sure you get on the right path again.

This is not to say that the world is against you, or anything such as that. Simply put, listen to the signs.

When things are continuously not working out, step back and assess what may need some reconsideration.

Take these ups and downs with an open mind, open eyes, and a lot of patience. The resistance will subside.

Pay attention.

Sometimes it will take months of convincing, but the universe gets through to you; no matter how stubborn.

Lots of love,

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Mental Health · Positivity

Cuticle Cream

Did you know there is such thing as cuticle cream? I didn’t. It was a gift, like the one I received from the universe when I began to be there for myself.

My hands? I never liked them. I never knew I didn’t like them. Much like my arms, body, face; they were bigger, hairier, fatter, wider.

But my hands allow me to type and write my heart out. To hold the hands of the ones I love.

But my arms are beautiful; freckles, hair, birthmarks, and all. They allow me to embrace others, hold my belongings, care for myself. They lift me up when I’m down. They pull me where I need to go.

My mom used to say I was bigger boned. That’s why I shopped in the teen section when I was still a child. Girls say size 6, I haven’t been a size 6 since I was 8. Bigger bones she said. Bones that support my goals and strides. Bones that don’t break from words and rejection.

My face may be wide, but my face is full. It’s full of smiles and tears and frowns and cheers. My cheeks rise up to convey my happiness. My face is wide with more room for smile.

I didn’t know about cuticle cream. I didn’t know how to love my hands, my arms, my big bones, or face. I’m learning.

 

Love,

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Mental Health · Positivity

I’m ready!!

I’m ready to kick some booty this semester, because last really kicked mine. Getting organized by labelling what to read and by when. I some how ended up with 3 heavy reading courses (rip me) but I’m ready!

Some awesome things that have happened recently: I have joined an OCD group, focused on exposure therapy. I’m super excited to learn strategies to handle things I didn’t even know were abnormal until recently!! Next, I joined a knitting club, lmao 😂 something I’ve always wanted to try. I’m kind of getting back into writing (poetry?) because doing it badly is better than not doing it all, right!?

Here is the latest:

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Lastly, I had a weird realization the other day: I’ve been learning all about myself the last few weeks. Like you know when you are becoming friends with someone new, and you learn about what they like and how they are, etc.? That’s what’s happening to me, but for me!! It’s hard to explain and probably sounds silly, but I didn’t realize how little love I had for myself until I was forced to face it.

I’m just doing me and forgetting about the rest. It’s 10/10. Highly recommend.

I hope spring semester, (or just January-April), has treated you all kindly thus far, and continues to be good for you. ♥️

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Mental Health · Positivity

Traditions

I’ve been hiding from the world.

Not because I’m scared, but because I’m recharging. Cocooning if you will.

The past few New Years Eves, my boyfriend and I have stayed home, made a nest of cozy blankets, had buckets of snacks, and just hung out and reflected on our year.

This is SUCH a lovely tradition.

Last night we added onto our tradition, and rang in 2019 by writing down everything we didn’t want to take into the new year, and burned them. We watched them burn and released them from our worries.

It was cheesy, beautiful, and SO necessary.

I highly encourage anyone who needs to let something go to write it down and watch it burn. You owe it to yourself to rid your mind of the toxic worry and self loathing.

I’m ready to begin 2019 refreshed and ready to focus on building me up. I’m ready to fly 🦋 #choosingme2019

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Mental Health · Positivity

DO YOU.

The holidays are a stressful time for everyone. Expectations, expectations, expectations. What are you doing with your degree? When will you finish? What did you get everyone? How long are you staying? What are we doing today, together? Are you happy now? Are you seeing all of your friends? You shouldn’t eat that! Are you happy now? When are you getting married? Kids? Savings? Shopping? What are you doing with your life?

Amplified expectations.

The majority of these expectations, I’m realizing, are self inflicted. Your aunt may ask, your mom may pry, your grandma may wonder, but it’s you that is in control. Step back, and examine how you accept these comments.

It is ultimately your life. If you are taking an extra year on your degree, great! You will finish. You don’t need to get married or have kids yet; only when you’re ready. If you need to go home early because you’re “familied out”, GO. If you don’t feel comfortable being who you are around your family, that’s okay.

At the end of the day, everyone just wants what is best for you. I promise you that stressing to meet everyone else’s expectation is not that. The best person who knows what’s beat for you is you… and your mom so listen to her (90% of the time). The holidays are filled with so many expectations, so it’s our duty to protect ourselves from them. Ultimately, you are in control. Whether it’s anxiety, life decisions, or what to eat, do what is best for you and don’t beat yourself up for it. Loved ones will have opinions, but at the end of the day, happiness and wellness are the only priorities that should dictate change in your life.

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** here is my best boi, unapologetically living his best chubby life. do you, boo boo. **

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Mental Health

Thank u, next

It’s really easy to get carried away and swept up in the interpretations that others have made about who you are. I for one am very, very guilty of this, to a fault. I will drag myself down to a bad place just trying to get someone to reconsider. I will never give up because I believe that I can’t stop trying, I must fix it. I have to.

I’m learning time and time again that some people are just not worth it after the 50th time. Know yourself. Know who you are. Know what you’ve done, and how hard you’ve tried because in the end, that’s all you can do.

2018 has been a year of loss in many ways, and it’s my decision of what I take from it. With anxiety and depression it can be really hard to see the silver linings, and you can find yourself just going around and around in a circle of “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve”, and it will literally bring you down, down, down so far, (week and a half ago). Put the effort into yourself, your loved ones, the ones who remain.

You are not the words of someone else. Wish em well, say yikes, and move on. Thank u, next, ✌🏻

 

Mental Health

Runaway

This weekend I decided to just run away from everything and go home, and it was probably the best decision I’ve ever made.

I just packed my things, got on a ferry, and completely forgot about my life in Van for a few days. I ignored my phone, and just played games and spent time with family.

I’m so so so thankful for my mom, she is amazing. I came home to flowers and snacks and so much love. I’m so grateful to have her in my life.

It was nice to refresh and recharge before taking on the chaos of the next 2 weeks.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed this morning because now I’m back and need to face the realities that I have 3 exams coming up, and so little time to study. I’m going to make a list and do my best.

This one step at a time thing is like a foreign language to me, so here goes.

Let’s be kind to ourselves in this time of chaos. ♥️

Much love,

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Mental Health

Michael

How do you thank someone for changing your life?

Where can I find the words at such an intense level of gratitude and love that will allow someone to understand exactly how I feel?

I’ve watched myself slip further and further away, and with every ounce of force I’m convinced to resist him with, his grip only grows tighter on me.

I will never understand what I did to deserve the love, forgiveness, kindness, and patience you’ve shown me.

I know it’s been hard lately, and I can’t imagine how you must feel. Please just know that none of this is because of you.

To the most accommodating, compassionate, intelligent, charming man I’ve ever had the privilege to know, let alone call my own, thank you for the most loving 4 years of my life.

You deserve everything this universe has to offer, and more. Happy Anniversary, Michael.

So, so, so, so much love,

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Mental Health

Wednesday

Wednesday I was open. I was honest. I circled yes on the big question. I didn’t hide.

Wednesday was the darkest day of my life.

I watched the receptionists face as she turned the page over and she saw my answer. I watched her as she got up and walked to the back. I was frozen. And nervous. I thought they must be thinking that I’m just asking for attention.

She called my name and I grabbed my things. I went into the room, and I just starting crying, uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. For a good 2 solid minutes I just cried, and she just witnessed.

She asked me what my plan was. She asked me how I felt. She made it normal, and safe.

I don’t think either of us realized the level I was at until we were both in that room.

She gave me a room to nap in until the doctor was ready. I had to see a doctor? I thought this was a 20 minute meeting? She told me if I left, she’d have to get someone to find me. Woah. Am I crazy?

I couldn’t nap because I felt so guilty. I haven’t been truthful to my mom. She thinks everything is fine, but nothing is fine. She would freak out if I was honest with her though. She’s so dramatic.

I texted my mom the truth. She reacted just fine. She was reassuring and kind.

The doctor was so kind. I can’t even put it into words. She just got it. There was no “sleep more, eat better, exercise”. She broke everything I was feeling down into words. She sat with me for an hour and just talked with me. She asked me how I was feeling, she told me stories. She told me that she wants to be my doctor from now on, as long as I’m at university.

The doctor was an angel. We made a plan for the next 2 weeks. I’m going to write my exams but if I am unable to, they will void my semester with no academic penalty. You can do that???

I’m going back on this stuff. It’s time.

I have appointments lined up, and I have my word that I’d be there. My word. I can’t break my word.

Why am I saying all of this? Why am I so open? I honestly couldn’t tell you, but I guess I just want the world to know. There is pain behind every smile. There is someone out there right now that you know, that’s hurting. You don’t know.

Check up on your friends.

Really check.

Much love,

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